WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush was not asleep at the wheel on 9/11 and did not act cowardly or indecisive in the moments following the attack, according to a new study by The Bowtie Institute (BTI). The study was commissioned by the Youth With a Ministry evangelical group and prepared in conjunction with the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11.
"The President is entirely blameless for the tragic events that befell our country five years ago," says T. Phineas Gage, chief research scientist for BTI. "In fact, our research shows that the Clinton administration is responsible for every human tragedy since January 2001."
Gage says the liberal media continues to spin half truths and misconceptions about the President's behavior before and after 9/11.
The Liberal Spin: After the second tower was hit on the morning of September 11, 2001, President Bush continued to sit as if paralyzed for seven minutes while listening to Florida elementary students read "My Pet Goat.
The Facts: Mischievous second graders had glued the president's pants to the chair, and it took him that long to quietly work himself free. The grade schoolers in question were later discovered to be distant cousins of the Clinton clan. They have since been re-enrolled at Guantanamo Bay Prep.
The Liberal Spin: After the attacks, the President disappeared for several hours, leaving New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani as the only national political figure not cowering under a desk.
The Facts: The President's failure to make an appearance was due to mechanical difficulties with Air Force One. During times of national crisis, the plane's sat-nav system had been programmed to make random stops at airforce bases near the homes of Clinton's old girlfriends. The 'Emergency Booty Call' routine has since been de-activated.
The Liberal Spin: More than a month before the attacks, President Bush received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in US."
The Facts: This briefing was misinterpreted due to a mistake by a White House typist originally hired during the Clinton Administration. The memo actually said "Obama," not Osama, causing the president to order 24/7 surveillance on Senator Barack Obama. The surveillance continues to this day.
The Liberal Spin: Despite numerous requests by then anti-terrorism czar Richard Clark, the Bush Administration held exactly one cabinet level meeting to discuss the threat from 'al Qaeda' -- one week before 9/11.
The Facts: In addition to removing all the "w's" from computer keyboards prior to President Bush's arrival, Clinton staffers also removed the 'Q' pages from the White House's English-to-Arabic dictionaries. Confusion over whether the correct spelling was "qaeda," "queda," or "qa'ida" caused a tragic delay in scheduling the meetings.
The Liberal Spin: U.S. forces had Osama Bin Laden surrounded in Tora Bora in December 2001 yet failed to attack, allowing the mastermind of 9/11 to get away scot free.
The Facts: The BTI has obtained classified video footage showing President Clinton parachuting into the mountains on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and putting his body between Bin Laden and U.S. forces. Subsequent footage shows the former commander in chief him hugging Bin Laden and giving him noogies.
Gage says the report was based on the findings of the 9/11 commission and several blogs he found while searching for nude pictures of Ann Coulter. The BTI is currently putting the final touches on its next report, titled "Hurricane Katrina: A Disaster of Clintonian Proportions."
About the Bowtie Institute:
The Bowtie Institute believes deeply in a return to America’s fundamental values. Ours is a country founded by rich white males, and that’s how they intended it to stay. We started it, we own it, we can do what we want with it.